My journey with loss has been anything but linear. So while I love the model of the 5 stages of grief (obviously, I chose to write songs about them), I recognize that I, like many others, haven’t experienced the stages in any particular order.
I experienced seasons of depression long before my mom died, I just didn’t know that’s what I was experiencing. I was highly irritable most of high school. I went through periods of not eating anything. Then I would eat too much. I would exercise for hours, then not exercise at all. My body was always aching. I slept terribly. Life felt so, so dull and pointless. I was miserable.
I had never been this way before, but I assumed it was probably just hormones. I had so much trouble concentrating on things at which I was good. I had always loved to write and all of a sudden writing a 500 word essay felt like trying to solve world hunger. My anxiety over tests became worse with each semester, and things that shouldn’t cause much, if any, distress sent me over the edge into a full blown meltdown. I remember actually getting up and walking out of the class in the middle of my pre-cal/trig final. I wasn’t ok.
If you are a teen and are experiencing any of these things, PLEASE reach out to someone. I wish I had started going to counseling before my mom died! I went for the first time almost a year after she died and it was the best thing I have ever done.
For the first couple of months after my mom died all I did was sit in my room and write melodies with my guitar. I’ve always loved how melodies can communicate so much before words are even present.
The melody you hear in the verses of Depression is something I wrote during that time. It felt like such a special melody that I carried it around for 10 years before feeling like there were words that deserved it.
Depression was also the first song written in this series for the stages of grief. It felt so important to find a home for that melody, and I couldn’t be happier with how this song turned out. It feels a little quirkier than the others, which was intentional. It was written to feel kind of like an out of body experience, which is how I have often experienced depression.
If you’ve ever struggled with depression, you know that some seasons you are going to struggle more than others. I’m learning what my triggers are and how I can be diligent about being aware of my circumstances and how my mind/body is responding. We are facing a time in our society that is filled with unknowns, and that is a breeding ground for mental health struggles. If you’re struggling, I hope this song gives a voice to what you may be feeling.
Depression - Frankie Orella