Tonight is when I needed you
‘Cause you’re the only one who knows
The way I tick and crumble
You made my world seem normal
But you can’t be
Here with me
If I could have just one more day with you
I’d ask you all the things I know you knew
I’m here, you’re here, we’re together
So much to ask but you just stare
We don’t have time for silence
Wake up, say something now
But you can’t be
Here with me
If I could have just one more day with you
I’d ask you all the things I know you knew
But you once said that I am not alone
I’m singing in the chorus of earth’s groan
Listen to Still EP: iTunes, Amazon, Spotify
Grief Stage: Bargaining/Depression
I’ve always been a vivid dreamer. When my mom first got sick, I would have this reoccurring dream of being at her funeral. As a 14 year old, I would run out of my bedroom to find my mom still very much alive, but also very irritated because this was the 4th time I’d woken her up in an eight hour span.
Since her passing, my dreams of her have continued, but the content is always changing. I’m amazed our brains continue to process even while we sleep! When I wrote “The Chorus” this is the type of dream I kept having:
I’m here, you’re here, we’re together
So much to ask but you just stare
We don’t have time for silence
Wake up, say something now
I felt like she was right in front of me, but she wouldn’t say anything. Wouldn’t answer my questions or help with my confusion.
So many monumental moments in my life have happened since she left this earth that I wish I could share with her. So many questions I wish I could ask.
The start of this song was dark. I was really, really missing her and felt a deep sense of abandonment. And then, I was reminded of a conversation I had with her when I was 15. It went something like this:
Frankie: “I don’t want you to die. I don’t want to lose you. I’m really scared.”
Mom: “Just like I have had to let you go, and realize you are the Lord’s, you have to do the same with me. I love you dearly, but Jesus loves you more. You aren’t alone, ever. Even if I’m not here.”
I was processing these memories and feelings with my husband while we wrote this song, and we were reminded of the following verses:
I consider that our present sufferings are not comparable to the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the revelation of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not by its own will, but because of the One who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. -Romans 8:18-23
From this passage, came the lyrics:
But you once said that I am not alone
I’m singing in the chorus of earth’s groan
I am part of the earth’s groaning for redemption. I join the chorus of all who have felt loss and brokenness in its many forms. But it’s a hopeful groan - like childbirth, painful but rewarding - as I eagerly await the full redemption that is to come.
Listen to Still EP: iTunes, Amazon, Spotify